3 Reasons To Start Asking Better Questions

The average four-year-old asks over 300 questions a day, according to a 2013 study. Most adults? A tiny fraction of that. We’re often so focused on sharing what we know that we forget to consider what we could learn from others. The result? Missed learning opportunities, misunderstandings, and disconnect.

Despite our natural adult instinct to tell rather than ask, compelling research shows considerable benefit to being more curious. And asking good questions may be easier than you think. Here are three reasons to consider your curiosity (and four tips to help you probe better).

Photo by Hivan Arvizu @soyhivan

1. You’ll be more likeable. When someone asks you about your life, work, or hobbies, how does it feel? For most of us, great. We feel seen and known. And research supports this. In a 2017 study, Harvard Professor Allison Brooks and her colleagues discovered one key finding: people who ask follow-up questions are more liked than those who don’t.

This is especially true when it comes to dating. Further research examined data from three studies and 2000 conversations—from online chats to face-to-face speed dating. It showed that not only were those who probed better liked, but the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. So if you're worried your curiosity might bore your partner or send your date to the door, research says it's actually quite the opposite. Ask away!

2. You’ll learn more.

While it may seem obvious that asking questions leads to learning, there's a bit more at play. In brief: our own biases. Consultant and author Stephen Shapiro argues that most people's questions are "solutions masquerading as questions." What does that mean? Shapiro, an expert in team performance, says instead of asking questions out of curiosity and to learn something new, most people do the opposite. They come up with a solution in their mind and then ask questions to validate it.

How can you become more aware of your own bias? Shapiro suggests asking yourself questions like—What assumptions am I making? What do I believe to be true? Then consider the possibility that your assumptions might be wrong. From there, get curious. Focus on asking people non-leading questions that gather information rather than confirm your belief. For example, consider these two questions:

A: Would you like to order from Sweet Green for lunch?

B: What would you like to do for lunch today?

Which question is likely to give you more information? While asking more open questions—B—may not always lead to the answer you want, it allows you to learn more about the other person and what they think.

To encourage learning, Mike Vaughan, CEO of The Regis Company, says it's important to also make sure you reward the question itself as much as the answer. Vaughn, whose company applies neuroscience principles to leadership and business, says probes like What great question did you ask today? are ways leaders and parents can help reward the learning process.

3. You'll be a better problem-solver. Think back to the last time you had a challenging situation at work. Maybe you fell behind on your monthly sales targets, missed a writing deadline, or had a conflict with a colleague.

Vaughan, who spends a lot of time studying how we learn, says one key difference separates the top performers from those who stay stuck: reframing. He says successful people ask questions that spur action, for themselves and their team. Consider these sets of questions:

Person A: Why do I always feel behind at work?

Person B: How do I get this done? Person A:What should I do?

Person B:What could I do?

Do you think Person A or B is more likely to overcome their challenge? Not only do our questions have the power to shape our outlook, but they can change how we approach a problem and help us generate creative solutions. In a simple reframe, you can shift from feeling defeated to empowered.

Start asking better questions today

While there are many ways to start improving your questioning depending on your goals, context, and audience, there are four basics experts agree are a key place to start.

1. Don’t ask yes or no questions.

While yes or no questions can be helpful in certain situations—like interrogations or reporting—if you’re trying to learn something new or form a connection, a good rule of thumb is to avoid them. Consultant and productivity coach, Mike Martel, instead suggests starting your questions with the more open-ended how, what, or why to generate more information. For example:

How did you come up with that idea?

What was it like in Japan?

2. Ask a follow-up question.

It's easy to get caught worrying about what you'll ask or say next, but when you’re listening intently and staying present in the moment, good follow-up questions will naturally arise. Research by Harvard Business School suggests this is one of the most powerful ways to make your conversation partner feel respected and heard.

3. Allow for some silence.

People often feel the need to fill empty air time, but unless you’re the 24/7 news cycle or an auctioneer, it’s unnecessary. Silence and pauses happen naturally in conversation when two people are absorbed and thinking about what the other said. Simply allowing this space can lead to better questions. You might be surprised how much people open up when they have a little room.

4. Don’t interrupt. This one goes without saying, but worth reiterating. Not only does interrupting stop the speaker's train of thought, but it also tells them you don’t value what they’re saying. So next time you feel the urge to interrupt, resist.

With benefits like being more likeable, deeper learning, and overcoming challenges, the gains of asking people better questions are clear. You probably won’t get it perfect every time, that’s normal. Just start asking, be patient, and notice what shifts.